A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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