she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
