the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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