Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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