Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize