Actions speak louder than pants.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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