How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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