How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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