That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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