my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
