I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it hurts more in the daytime
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
