just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
