So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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