I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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