someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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