She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
