I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Randomize
