After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
