Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
