how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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