The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
