Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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