well I can't set my house on fire every night
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You're like the curious george of whores
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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