Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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