i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
