my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
