textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
