worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
