dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
love makes seman taste better
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
