Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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