I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
