Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
