do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
