Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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