I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
