Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
