dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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