Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
