I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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