i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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