i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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