these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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