I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
