Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
