surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
