We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
this is an emotional support booty call
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
