i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
