no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
