I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
