haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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