So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I am morally bankrupt
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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