god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
