he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
