So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
