Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
