So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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