Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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