My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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